Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I just wanted to take the time to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. 

The holidays can be a hard time for people who suffer from mental disorders.  Remember, show the ones you love just how much you love them.  Remind them that you are there, and celebrate the good things without dwelling on things that don't matter.  Enjoy being with them.  If they are feeling down, don't ask them why.  Accept them for who they are.  We can't change who we are, but you can change how you look at us. 

Love us for us.  Celebrate with family.  Be thankful for those in your lives.  I know I am thankful for everyone in mine.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to everyone. 

 

Reason to Smile

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder how I will get through the day without having a breakdown.  Other days I want to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing.  At times, it seems like it is to hard to handle the daily tasks, too hard to get up and get ready, too hard to get dressed, too hard to eat, too hard to smile.  At times I want to cry all day, sometimes I don't even know why I am crying, or when I will stop crying.  Other days I seem to laugh all day, and often it is at things you shouldn't laugh at (for example, people getting hurt makes me have ridiculous laughing fits, including when I hurt myself.) 

Sometimes I manage to make it to work.  I can't miss work, so everyday I make it into work.  Some days are better then others.  I am really thankful that I have such a good job.  I am lucky to hold down a job even though I struggle to make it there everyday.  At work, I stare at a computer screen.  If it is too quiet, I start thinking, and if I keep thinking too much I eventually have a panic attack.  Netflix or YouTube is always on, and the background noise helps me manage my day-to-day tasks at work.

After work, I have errands to run.  I have to get gas, buy groceries, run to the bank, etc.  I don't want to, but if I want to eat or if I need to get home, I have to do these things.  I have to get out there, just as much as I have to get up in the morning. I have to shower.  I have to get dressed.  I have to go to work.

But how do I manage to do these things when the thing I want to do most is lay in bed and sleep all day?  I want to sit on the couch and watch TV and not worry about anything because I am at home, and I am safe.  No one can hurt me if I am at home.  I won't have a panic attack if I am in bed. No one will see me if I have an absolute breakdown.  No one will care if they don't see what is going on.

So why do I care if I make it to work or not?  Why do I care about getting ready?  What makes me want to get up and out of bed?  Is there something that matters more then my sadness?  That matters more then my fear of going out, of being alone, of panic attacks?

Yes, there is a reason to get up and going everyday.  I have babies.  Now, they are fur-babies, but they are my babies.  If I didn't get up, who would take them out to go potty?  If I didn't get up, who would feed them?  If I didn't get up, who would they give kisses to?  Even on the hard days, they need me.  Even if I am a complete wreck, they need me.  They know when I am sad, and they give me a reason to smile.

If I cry, they lick my face to tell me they love me.  If I am in a good mood, they chase me around the house to play.  Yes, they can be monsters at times.  They poop and pee on the floor.  They eat everything in site (including paper), they bite, they run around and bark constantly, but without them I wouldn't be who I am today. 

They love me no matter what.  They don't care if I am really upset.  They don't care if I am mad or yelling.  They don't care if I have a bad day.  They will always be there, giving me a reason to smile, or to lick me in the face.  Either way, they love me, and they are my reason for smiling.

Finding Your Passion

 

I was one of those people who wanted to do EVERYTHING when they grew up.  I wanted to be a fashion designer, a chef, a police officer, a nurse, an artist, a singer (but I couldn't sing), a doctor, a writer, etc.  I could go on for a while on all of the things I wanted to try or be, but those were dreams.  How was I going to figure out what I really wanted to be, or who I would become?  How would I do that while dealing with having Bipolar Disorder?  Would I ever figure it out?

I have gone from school to school trying to figure it all out, but always ending up at the same place: confused and lost.  I never truly felt like I fit into the mold that I kept trying to make for myself.  I had interest in a lot of things, but nothing seemed to stand out saying THIS is what you should spend your life doing. 

So, how do I figure out what I love, what I am passionate about?  I stopped to think, and there were several things that stood out to me:

1. I loved working with children.

2. I loved working with animals.

3. I absolutely LOVE art.

4. I like designing art.

5. I love selling my art.

6. I like being my own boss.

7. I like working with my mom.

Ta da...it looks like I figured it out on my own.  Everything seemed to tie back into art and running my own business.  Now, I knew this wouldn't be a way to live my life without holding another job, but at least I knew what would make me happy.  And it is okay for me to dream about the future, where this business could take me, what I will be making in the future, if people will know who I am in the future.  That is what dreams are for. 

Now, I know exactly who I am and what I want to be (or work towards) and I am not afraid to put in the work to get there.  Without the years of trying to figure this out, I might have never reached this conclusion.  I tried a lot of different things, and they all led me right back to owning my own small art business, and I am happy with that.

My passion is designing, making, and selling my art.  I love working with our customers, and I absolutely love seeing their faces when they see what I have made for them.

They say having Bipolar Disorder makes you more creative.  Well, I completely agree with that.  Maybe this is a positive side of having this difficult disorder...maybe it has given me life.  Maybe it has made me realize who I am and made me stronger in my want to be me. 

Thank you, Bipolar Disorder, for giving me such a creative brain.  You have given me the passion to strive and create new and beautiful work.  Here's to you, and here's to me. 

A Bipolar Diagnosis...I have what?

 

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

The National Institute of Mental Health describes it as:

"Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives."

The MAYO Clinic defines it as:

"Bipolar disorder — sometimes called manic-depressive disorder — is associated with mood swings that range from the lows of depression to the highs of mania. When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities. When your mood shifts in the other direction, you may feel euphoric and full of energy. Mood shifts may occur only a few times a year, or as often as several times a day. In some cases, bipolar disorder causes symptoms of depression and mania at the same time."

WebMD defines it as:

"Bipolar disorder, with its extreme mood swings from depression to mania, used to be called manic depressive disorder. Bipolar disorder is very serious and can cause risky behavior, even suicidal tendencies, and can be treated with therapy and medication."

But what are the symptoms?

Symptoms of mania or a manic episode include:

Symptoms of depression or a depressive episode include:

Mood Changes A long period of feeling "high," or an overly happy or outgoing mood Extreme irritability Behavioral Changes Talking very fast, jumping from one idea to another, having racing thoughts Being easily distracted Increasing activities, such as taking on new projects Being overly restless Sleeping little or not being tired Having an unrealistic belief in one's abilities Behaving impulsively and engaging in pleasurable, high-risk behaviors

Mood Changes An overly long period of feeling sad or hopeless Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex. Behavioral Changes Feeling tired or "slowed down" Having problems concentrating, remembering, and making decisions Being restless or irritable Changing eating, sleeping, or other habits Thinking of death or suicide, or attempting suicide.

(as defined by the National Institute of Mental Health)


But how would I be diagnosed and what type am I?

1. Bipolar I Disorder—defined by manic or mixed episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks.
2. Bipolar II Disorder—defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic or mixed episodes.
3. Bipolar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (BP-NOS)—diagnosed when symptoms of the illness exist but do not meet diagnostic criteria for either bipolar I or II. However, the symptoms are clearly out of the person's normal range of behavior.
4. Cyclothymic Disorder, or Cyclothymia—a mild form of bipolar disorder. People with cyclothymia have episodes of hypomania as well as mild depression for at least 2 years. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for any other type of bipolar disorder.

"When getting a diagnosis, a doctor or health care provider should conduct a physical examination, an interview, and lab tests. Currently, bipolar disorder cannot be identified through a blood test or a brain scan, but these tests can help rule out other factors that may contribute to mood problems, such as a stroke, brain tumor, or thyroid condition. If the problems are not caused by other illnesses, your health care provider may conduct a mental health evaluation or provide a referral to a trained mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, who is experienced in diagnosing and treating bipolar disorder."

Ok, so the National Institute of Mental Health has given me an outline of what this disorder is, what the symptoms are, and how you get diagnosed.  But, there is absolutely NO way I have this.  I am not like "those" people.  I am "normal."

But what defines "normal"?  What caused me, out of everyone, to have this disorder? 

I had two choices after my appointment with my Psychiatrist.  I could either chose to accept my diagnosis, take the medicine, and work on getting my disorder under control OR I could ignore the doctor, refuse medicine, and never know if I could get better because I didn't give it a chance.

How do you choose?  What was best for me?  I so desperately wanted to fit in, to have friends, to be "normal" and to not feel so alone. 

I am not sure what caused me to take choice one, but I knew something had to change.  I couldn't keep yelling at my husband, I couldn't keep crying all the time, I needed to get my emotions and my mood swings under control before I hurt myself or someone else around me more then I already had. 

So, I accepted my diagnosis.  I want to get better.  I need to get better.  I am willing to put in the hard work to get myself into a place where I can feel happy and a place where I can feel normal emotions.  Not the ridiculous, the world is out to get me feelings.    

I accepted who I was, and who I was becoming.  I am me.  I have Bipolar Disorder and it is not WHO I am, but rather a part of me that makes me the individual I am today.  And that is OKAY with me.




http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml#part1

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bipolar-disorder/basics/definition/con-20027544

http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/

Thoughts

 

 

 

 

"Why do people not like me?"

 

"What if they don't like me?"

 

"What did I do wrong this time?"

 

"I feel so lonely."

 

"I wish people cared more about me, or understood what I was going through so I am not so alone."

 

"I must be an awful friend."

 

"If I go out, I will have a panic attack."

 

"If I don't go out, people will think I don't like them, or that I am just rude."

 

"I'm afraid of being alone."

 

"Will I ever be normal?"

 

"I look ridiculous."

 

"They probably don't even like me, so what is the point?"

 

"I am embarrassing everyone around me."

 

"I hate what I see in the mirror."

 

"Why do people want to be my friend?"

 

" Am I always going to be this way?"

 

"What am I going to do with my life?"

 

"I am a failure."

 

"I hate being alone."

 

"I am tired of crying."

 

"I can't stop crying."

 

"I just want to stay in bed."

 

"Do I have to get up?"

 

"Stop thinking."

 

"Stop talking."

 

"Go away."

 

"Come back."

 

"You make me so angry."

 

"Why are you so angry?"

 

"I wish you knew how I am feeling."

 

"Why don't you understand me?"

 

"I hate that you don't try to understand me."

 

"I ruin everything."

 

"I can't breathe."

 

"Can you please just leave me alone."

 

"You are never here for me."

 

"I just need you to love me."

 

"Why don't you like me?"

 

"What the hell is my problem?"

 

"Can you please, just shut the hell up?"

 

"Why can't I talk to you?"

 

"Why won't you talk to me?"

 

"Could you listen to what I am saying?"

 

"My chest hurts."

 

"I feel like I am going to pass out."

 

"I don't want to do this anymore."

 

"I can't do this anymore."

 

"I need help."

 

"I am afraid to ask for help."

 

"What is wrong with me."

 

 

A constant struggle with reality and the thoughts in my head.  Try living life with these questions going through your head 24/7.  It isn't easy, and it definitely isn't fun.  Next time you think something is hard, remember that there are others out there struggling too. 

School

While school is difficult for a lot of people because you have to figure out where you fit in to the different "groups."  There are several key groups in high school: the "popular" kids, the "jocks," the "nerds" or "geeks," the "gothic kids" the "weird" or "losers," etc.  But that labeling makes life extremely difficult.  Everyone is unique and an individual.  Someone doesn't have to be known for just being a jock, or a nerd.  Someone can love sports but also be extremely intelligent, etc.

My problem going through school was that I never really fit into a specific "group" of people.  I was caring and always trusted everyone (at least in elementary school).  I believed the best in everyone and never thought that people would be mean or use me.
As I started to get older, I realized that people were being really mean, saying mean things like "Oh, she's the fat kid" or "I don't want to be her friend."  As early as I can remember, maybe 3rd or 4th grade, I didn't want to spend any time at school.  I would figure out ways to get home.  I spent hours at the nurses station because I couldn't stand being in class as it made me physically ill. 

Kindergarten to 1st grade I was at a small school in Cherokee, IA.  I was young, and pretty naïve. I had a friend named Wade who I spent a lot of time with, and we were close friends.  He was nice to me, and rode his bike down our little road that was lined by these massive trees.  I also had another friend (and for the life of me I cannot remember his name) but he was an amazing young man.  It was the first time I had seen bullying first hand.  He was an African-American boy, which never bothered me.  I didn't see why it was such a problem, as he was my friend and we had fun.  One day at lunch, some kids literally pushed him over and kicked him.  I was so hurt for him and I had to run to his side to make sure he was okay, which in turn made them start bullying me.  I couldn't understand why people didn't like us, but being so young, I don't think I ever could have understood. 

Second grade to the middle of 6th grade in Omaha, Nebraska. I had one guy friend who lived next door to me, and we spent a ton of time together.  I mean, he literally lived at my house.  Unfortunately as time grew on, he was teased for hanging out with a "girl" and he stopped coming over as much, and then I eventually moved to a new home across town.  Here, I was made fun of because I dressed differently then them, and the biggest problem was that I was taller and larger then the other kids in the class.  I mean, I was literally taller then every kid in my class until about 5th grade when one of the boys was taller.  I was the "fat girl" who people didn't want to be friends with or talk to. 

When my parents told me that we were going to move to Virginia half way through my 6th grade year, I was nervous but excited.  On one hand, I was leaving everything I knew behind for something I didn't know, but on the other hand it was a chance to start over and meet new people.  What was the problem with this?  It was the middle of 6th grade and people had already figured out who their friends were.  I went from being in a public school to a private school that was fairly small and not very many people.  Add on top of this that I was extremely shy and had a hard time making new friends.  This was a lose-lose situation for me.

I ended up staying at this private school from 6th grade through graduation.  Although I was completely prepared for college by the time I was done with high school, I would have rather stayed home so I wouldn't have to deal with the bullies or the girls who were so fake and acted like your friend and then talked about you behind your back.  There were so many times when I wanted to be accepted into the group of girls, but I never seemed to fit their "standards" when it came to friends.  I was never invited to parties, I never went shopping with the girls, and I never felt like I was as pretty or as important as the others.

Senior year was the first time I had an actual, real life boyfriend.  I was so excited because someone actually liked me for me.  I didn't have to change who I was and that was amazing.  Unfortunately, that was all a ridiculous joke and like everything else in my life, I gave my entire heart just to have it ripped out and stomped on.  I made some major mistakes, things I wish I could take back now, but I can't.  I have to live with regret because of decisions I made then.  But, I learned from it. 

I was so excited to start college.  A new, fresh start again.  I went to Longwood University and was sharing a dorm room with three other girls, who were actually pretty nice. I actually had a nice group of girl friends, but being shy, I really had a hard time going out of my dorm room and meeting people or enjoying my time there.  Half way through my first semester of college I found out I was pregnant with my high school boyfriend's child.  I was devastated.  Needless to say, those mistakes were going to haunt me.  In October I had a miscarriage, and I was in so much pain that I didn't know what to do.  The only thing I could do was move on. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I was told is was my fault.  I caused the miscarriage, so I had to deal with it. 

Ironically enough, that was the best semester I have ever had, and I received straight A's.  I am going to finish this post here today as this has been a lot of information, and honestly it has been really hard for me to share these things.  Life is hard though and we must push through.

My friends at Longwood.

 

 



Who Am I?

I never pictured life to be so complicated or so intense.  I always had an image in my mind of a perfect life where you got everything you wanted with hard work and had that happy ending everyone dreams about or sees in the movies. 

Even now as I read what I just wrote it makes me laugh.  My ideas of a "perfect life" were that of a teenage girl who couldn't even order who own food at a restaurant.  Talk about a dream.

I have had severe anxiety all of my life, although when I was young I didn't know what that was.  Everyone said I was "shy" or a "loner" and I didn't have many friends because of it.  I always wanted to fit in, to be "popular" and to be invited to the parties that my "friends" were invited to.  That always led to disappointment and sometimes anger.  I was bullied for being "fat" and for not looking like the other "pretty" girls.  It made me disgusted of who I was and what I looked like.  I hated the person I saw in the mirror and didn't know or understand what I was doing wrong or why people didn't like me. 

These were supposed to be the best years of my life.  I was supposed to fit in and be happy and be able to remember the good ol' days of high school and college.  Now, almost ten years since I graduated from high school, I have absolutely no want to remember high school, to ever see the people (most of them at least) I went to school with, and I absolutely have no interest in re-living those days.  Who wants to live like that? To never think or talk about high school, to not remember that I wasn't good enough for people to be friends with, to not remember the slumber parties, the girl nights, the dances, etc.  No one does, but that is my life. 

Now, this is definitely NOT a pitty party.  I have had to deal with a lot of things from my past, and I am still dealing with them.  I have held everything in for years.  I haven't talked to anyone about them, and I still haven't talked about some of them for a long time.  This blog will be my safe place.  A place I can come to, share my stories and my life so hopefully, I will be able to help one person who is fighting the same fight.  I have recently learned that being alone is not where you want to be.  You have to have a support system, a group of people who will be there no matter what happens and no matter what you need.  People who will love you, no matter what, even if you are diagnosed with something as scary as Bipolar Disorder. 

I hope you will appreciate my stories, try not to judge, and be understanding that everything happens for a reason.  I know this will help me become a stronger person.  Here's to everyone fighting the same fight.  You are not alone.