Reason to Smile

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I wonder how I will get through the day without having a breakdown.  Other days I want to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing.  At times, it seems like it is to hard to handle the daily tasks, too hard to get up and get ready, too hard to get dressed, too hard to eat, too hard to smile.  At times I want to cry all day, sometimes I don't even know why I am crying, or when I will stop crying.  Other days I seem to laugh all day, and often it is at things you shouldn't laugh at (for example, people getting hurt makes me have ridiculous laughing fits, including when I hurt myself.) 

Sometimes I manage to make it to work.  I can't miss work, so everyday I make it into work.  Some days are better then others.  I am really thankful that I have such a good job.  I am lucky to hold down a job even though I struggle to make it there everyday.  At work, I stare at a computer screen.  If it is too quiet, I start thinking, and if I keep thinking too much I eventually have a panic attack.  Netflix or YouTube is always on, and the background noise helps me manage my day-to-day tasks at work.

After work, I have errands to run.  I have to get gas, buy groceries, run to the bank, etc.  I don't want to, but if I want to eat or if I need to get home, I have to do these things.  I have to get out there, just as much as I have to get up in the morning. I have to shower.  I have to get dressed.  I have to go to work.

But how do I manage to do these things when the thing I want to do most is lay in bed and sleep all day?  I want to sit on the couch and watch TV and not worry about anything because I am at home, and I am safe.  No one can hurt me if I am at home.  I won't have a panic attack if I am in bed. No one will see me if I have an absolute breakdown.  No one will care if they don't see what is going on.

So why do I care if I make it to work or not?  Why do I care about getting ready?  What makes me want to get up and out of bed?  Is there something that matters more then my sadness?  That matters more then my fear of going out, of being alone, of panic attacks?

Yes, there is a reason to get up and going everyday.  I have babies.  Now, they are fur-babies, but they are my babies.  If I didn't get up, who would take them out to go potty?  If I didn't get up, who would feed them?  If I didn't get up, who would they give kisses to?  Even on the hard days, they need me.  Even if I am a complete wreck, they need me.  They know when I am sad, and they give me a reason to smile.

If I cry, they lick my face to tell me they love me.  If I am in a good mood, they chase me around the house to play.  Yes, they can be monsters at times.  They poop and pee on the floor.  They eat everything in site (including paper), they bite, they run around and bark constantly, but without them I wouldn't be who I am today. 

They love me no matter what.  They don't care if I am really upset.  They don't care if I am mad or yelling.  They don't care if I have a bad day.  They will always be there, giving me a reason to smile, or to lick me in the face.  Either way, they love me, and they are my reason for smiling.