School

While school is difficult for a lot of people because you have to figure out where you fit in to the different "groups."  There are several key groups in high school: the "popular" kids, the "jocks," the "nerds" or "geeks," the "gothic kids" the "weird" or "losers," etc.  But that labeling makes life extremely difficult.  Everyone is unique and an individual.  Someone doesn't have to be known for just being a jock, or a nerd.  Someone can love sports but also be extremely intelligent, etc.

My problem going through school was that I never really fit into a specific "group" of people.  I was caring and always trusted everyone (at least in elementary school).  I believed the best in everyone and never thought that people would be mean or use me.
As I started to get older, I realized that people were being really mean, saying mean things like "Oh, she's the fat kid" or "I don't want to be her friend."  As early as I can remember, maybe 3rd or 4th grade, I didn't want to spend any time at school.  I would figure out ways to get home.  I spent hours at the nurses station because I couldn't stand being in class as it made me physically ill. 

Kindergarten to 1st grade I was at a small school in Cherokee, IA.  I was young, and pretty naïve. I had a friend named Wade who I spent a lot of time with, and we were close friends.  He was nice to me, and rode his bike down our little road that was lined by these massive trees.  I also had another friend (and for the life of me I cannot remember his name) but he was an amazing young man.  It was the first time I had seen bullying first hand.  He was an African-American boy, which never bothered me.  I didn't see why it was such a problem, as he was my friend and we had fun.  One day at lunch, some kids literally pushed him over and kicked him.  I was so hurt for him and I had to run to his side to make sure he was okay, which in turn made them start bullying me.  I couldn't understand why people didn't like us, but being so young, I don't think I ever could have understood. 

Second grade to the middle of 6th grade in Omaha, Nebraska. I had one guy friend who lived next door to me, and we spent a ton of time together.  I mean, he literally lived at my house.  Unfortunately as time grew on, he was teased for hanging out with a "girl" and he stopped coming over as much, and then I eventually moved to a new home across town.  Here, I was made fun of because I dressed differently then them, and the biggest problem was that I was taller and larger then the other kids in the class.  I mean, I was literally taller then every kid in my class until about 5th grade when one of the boys was taller.  I was the "fat girl" who people didn't want to be friends with or talk to. 

When my parents told me that we were going to move to Virginia half way through my 6th grade year, I was nervous but excited.  On one hand, I was leaving everything I knew behind for something I didn't know, but on the other hand it was a chance to start over and meet new people.  What was the problem with this?  It was the middle of 6th grade and people had already figured out who their friends were.  I went from being in a public school to a private school that was fairly small and not very many people.  Add on top of this that I was extremely shy and had a hard time making new friends.  This was a lose-lose situation for me.

I ended up staying at this private school from 6th grade through graduation.  Although I was completely prepared for college by the time I was done with high school, I would have rather stayed home so I wouldn't have to deal with the bullies or the girls who were so fake and acted like your friend and then talked about you behind your back.  There were so many times when I wanted to be accepted into the group of girls, but I never seemed to fit their "standards" when it came to friends.  I was never invited to parties, I never went shopping with the girls, and I never felt like I was as pretty or as important as the others.

Senior year was the first time I had an actual, real life boyfriend.  I was so excited because someone actually liked me for me.  I didn't have to change who I was and that was amazing.  Unfortunately, that was all a ridiculous joke and like everything else in my life, I gave my entire heart just to have it ripped out and stomped on.  I made some major mistakes, things I wish I could take back now, but I can't.  I have to live with regret because of decisions I made then.  But, I learned from it. 

I was so excited to start college.  A new, fresh start again.  I went to Longwood University and was sharing a dorm room with three other girls, who were actually pretty nice. I actually had a nice group of girl friends, but being shy, I really had a hard time going out of my dorm room and meeting people or enjoying my time there.  Half way through my first semester of college I found out I was pregnant with my high school boyfriend's child.  I was devastated.  Needless to say, those mistakes were going to haunt me.  In October I had a miscarriage, and I was in so much pain that I didn't know what to do.  The only thing I could do was move on. I didn't talk to anyone about it because I was told is was my fault.  I caused the miscarriage, so I had to deal with it. 

Ironically enough, that was the best semester I have ever had, and I received straight A's.  I am going to finish this post here today as this has been a lot of information, and honestly it has been really hard for me to share these things.  Life is hard though and we must push through.

My friends at Longwood.