Who Am I?

I never pictured life to be so complicated or so intense.  I always had an image in my mind of a perfect life where you got everything you wanted with hard work and had that happy ending everyone dreams about or sees in the movies. 

Even now as I read what I just wrote it makes me laugh.  My ideas of a "perfect life" were that of a teenage girl who couldn't even order who own food at a restaurant.  Talk about a dream.

I have had severe anxiety all of my life, although when I was young I didn't know what that was.  Everyone said I was "shy" or a "loner" and I didn't have many friends because of it.  I always wanted to fit in, to be "popular" and to be invited to the parties that my "friends" were invited to.  That always led to disappointment and sometimes anger.  I was bullied for being "fat" and for not looking like the other "pretty" girls.  It made me disgusted of who I was and what I looked like.  I hated the person I saw in the mirror and didn't know or understand what I was doing wrong or why people didn't like me. 

These were supposed to be the best years of my life.  I was supposed to fit in and be happy and be able to remember the good ol' days of high school and college.  Now, almost ten years since I graduated from high school, I have absolutely no want to remember high school, to ever see the people (most of them at least) I went to school with, and I absolutely have no interest in re-living those days.  Who wants to live like that? To never think or talk about high school, to not remember that I wasn't good enough for people to be friends with, to not remember the slumber parties, the girl nights, the dances, etc.  No one does, but that is my life. 

Now, this is definitely NOT a pitty party.  I have had to deal with a lot of things from my past, and I am still dealing with them.  I have held everything in for years.  I haven't talked to anyone about them, and I still haven't talked about some of them for a long time.  This blog will be my safe place.  A place I can come to, share my stories and my life so hopefully, I will be able to help one person who is fighting the same fight.  I have recently learned that being alone is not where you want to be.  You have to have a support system, a group of people who will be there no matter what happens and no matter what you need.  People who will love you, no matter what, even if you are diagnosed with something as scary as Bipolar Disorder. 

I hope you will appreciate my stories, try not to judge, and be understanding that everything happens for a reason.  I know this will help me become a stronger person.  Here's to everyone fighting the same fight.  You are not alone.